We all are known about the definitions of single and joint family. Single family consists of husband, wife and child. But nowadays, a new pattern of single family is seen where husband and wife, both work together. Both of them go out in a same time, come back almost on a same time and they become busy after returning home with their personal works. Like, wife goes for cooking, husband cleans the rooms, wife cleans the dishes, and husband washes the clothes. Husband and wife do not get enough time to give it to each other. In the weekend they spend the whole time at home or go out for visit. Does this kind of single family create any problem in family bonding?
According to Tonni, “I do not feel the necessity of providing him hot meals in every time like my mother. If both of us return home late then we often take our meal with fried egg.”
According to Happy, “One thing is clear between me and my husband that no one of us will do anything for another if our mind and physic do not support. If I am late or sick, then he cooks usually.”
Shuvo said, “We do not get time to quarrel after the getting of her job.”
This kind of single family is changing the pattern of husband and wife. The existence of usual work distribution between husband and wife is not working any more. Though there are some little things which can prevent your life from being monotonous.
• You can move together for shopping, in this way you can give time to each other. You can also do the monthly shopping also.
• No matter how much less time you have, share your whole day experience. It will express your concentration to her/him.
• You can spend your weekend together at home, or you can also visit the relatives, friends. You can also visit some place together.
• Keep talking during doing the household chores; it’ll reduce the monotonous part of the work.
Those who are living in a new style, they should try to make the relationship rich instead of making crisis. You can try these things until you are taking your first baby. If you are going to start a new life, you can also concentrate on these.
Extra-marital affairs, live together, polygamy of woman, single mother family (though the concept is different in developed countries, it means the family without father in our country), these are not normal and unusual from our social and cultural context but the reality indicates something different. As live together is treated in a blameful way, living alone with own children legally without the father is also a challenge for a woman. As it is a part of our society, we cannot ignore this reality. Let’s know about the problems a single mother usually faces.
• The first challenge of single mother is to take the decision of living single. It is usual to have one or more children for her (and obviously she does not have any adult child or elder than her). She could be divorced or her husband could be passed away. She might not accept second marriage or she might not accept living with her family/the family of her husband. No one will support her decision of living alone.
• A single mother would face difficulties to find a place for living. Because a woman will live alone is a critical issue in our society. The issue of ensuring her total safety is also involved here.
• A single mother will obviously do a job. It is also a challenge for her to make understanding with her child. The child would stay alone at home during the office hour or if she becomes late to reach. The mother must take the initiative so that any misunderstanding could grow. Sometimes the parents or siblings of the mother help in this situation.
• A single mother has to face all kinds of situations. She must handle a lot of things at a time like home, community people, social environment, office, child’s school etc. In case of divorced mother, some legal involvedness work. She must handle them too.
• A single mother has to be a father. Every child has the specific need of father. It is a great challenge for the mother to fulfill the needs.
A single mother is not a social problem at all but crisis. Therefore it is necessary for us to know different perspectives of this crisis.
A recent incident of brutal torture is the root of this writing. According to the saying of the victim’s father, she was very calm and patient, she never let the other members of the family to know these. She was definitely known as a ‘standard’/’good’ girl, and today she is obviously feeling guilty of having such ‘good’ identity. After bearing ten years of torture, she is saying, “I didn’t realize before, it was my fault. I tolerate all these because of my child only”. How long will women play the role of sacrifice? How long will they tolerate silently the torture for the sake of society, family, and children?
In this male dominating society, these are taken as prestigious issues for men like, earning more than husband, or achieving more than husband. It is taken as a family matter until it turns to brutal. And media provide coverage unless the elements are sufficient enough, then it goes into the dark again. Organizations work for human rights also become tired.
Can’t we start protesting the family torture from our own family right now? No one turns into persecutor in one day; s/he should be resisted from the very beginning. The way of torturing with my sister, with you or me should be blocked. Raise your voice against torture in every situation, rather than searching the guilty person (or pretend to be searched) for one week. It is better than a limitless discussion!
Extra marital affair is taken as a so called ‘modern’ problem, sign of rich people’s status. But the thing is not like that at all. From the very beginning of ancient time to present, it still exists. It is thought as a sin, betraying with partner, a secret matter. We are not going through those arguments. We just only want to see how these extra marital affairs exist in our society, how are they creating decisive situation in our social system and how could these problems be solved.
Extra Marital Affair: Love, Beyond the Marriage
It is mainly indicate a relationship which can be created / continued after marriage with a person except spouse. Here one partner is definitely married. The absence of one partner of the married couple is one of the most effective causes of creating extra marital affairs. When one is absent of a couple, then the other partner can feel different kinds of needs, and s/he starts being attracted to another person. It is also seen that the absence of husband or wife can rebuild the relation with x-boyfriend or x-girlfriend. Most of the time, it is thought that extra marital affairs are being occurred because of physical need, where husband and wife are not living together. But mental needs are not less important where physical needs are detected as the main causes. It is not right that husband or wife is always depriving his/her partner because of not staying together. Most of the time, in case of arranged marriages, it is seen that the husband and wife cannot build mutual understanding between them after many years of their conjugal life. It means every person of our society has individual point of view and they also have individual viewpoint regarding love. People are being involved in extra marital affair from their own viewpoint.
Extra Marital Affair: Social Crisis
Extra marital affair is not taken easily in our society. Whatever the person is male or female, s/he is seen as a guilty and betrayer. But still it is in the society and there are many people who are not taking it as a sin. It is totally a matter of an individual’s choice. Though the crisis takes birth from various needs of conjugal life, it brings nothing but more problems. Divorce is also a consequence of extra marital affair. And second marriage is also possible by the consequence of extra marital affair. Perhaps there are some persons who take it in a way that they do not face any ultimate decision.
Extra Marital Affair: Not a Problem, Matter of Discussion!
Extra marital affair is not a problem at all which can have solution. It is the choice of an individual. It is a concern of his/her way of adjustment. It is the rule of our society that you have to return your home back, whatever you do. There is also example that members of family suggest to mutual with the marriage relation after being concerned about the extra marital affair. Therefore you need to select first that what you want to do, mutual decision or make your own way. If you think that your extra marital affair will not hamper your conjugal life, your relationship is well-discussed with your partner, then find the way of maintaining it. If you are frustrated about your conjugal life and desperate about your new relationship, then discuss clearly with your spouse. It will prove your reliability at least to him/her. Remember, extra marital affair is not a secret thing, we have our right to live according to our own thinking.
“My mother is my best friend”- most of the children will be agreed with this concept. But why father cannot be the best friend in many cases? Daughter or son, everyone likes their mother the best. One of the main reasons of creating gap with father is we do not have him near us most of the time. And from our social perspective, we see our father in a defensive role of decision making. Though girls like the company of father most but boys can embrace it only in their childhood. The distance starts from childhood and it increases with time. Mother is the only place of child’s desire and grumble in childhood. The role of father is limited to child like monitoring report card, taking somewhere to visit etc. Even in urban life, it is mother who goes school with child in the parent’s day mostly. This gap with father will be a great thing of regret with time both for father and son. Let’s see what could be done to remove this gap between father and child. Father should play his role from the childhood of his child. And when child can feel that the gap is growing s/he can also come forward.
The relationship between child and parents is the most unique in this world. All of us obviously love our parents a lot. We want to make them happy, make them proud by our activities. Our parents sacrifice their comfort for our happiness. But do we really care about that they are also someone’s children?
Raju says, “My grandfather’s home is near from ours, my mother always seek opportunities to go there. If she comes early from office, it is obvious that she would go there. And my daily duty is to deliver different things to the home of y grandfather.”
Sumi says, “I never can talk boldly with my father in front of grandmother. She says, “He has come out from my womb, he is not your son.” If we say anything roguery with her, then my father rebukes both of me and mother. Again, my grandmother protects me first, when father comes to rebuke me.”
Raju is very upset regarding this matter. He says, “Sometimes mother calls me ‘Abba’. If grandfather is near to me, then he answers to it by mistake. Mother enjoys it but I feel angry.” Sumi says,” When I feel very angry, then if grandmother comes to save me, my anger raise more. It seems that father does not rebuke me only for grandfather.”
Sumi and Raju do not dislike their grandfather and grandmother. We like our grandfather and grandmother very much. But this crisis is not irrational at all. Many people like Sumi and Raju are thinking about their parents from their viewpoint of right. After sharing the stories of Sumi and Raju, lets thing it reversely. Suppose your mother could not visit her father and mother long time because of your exam and family. Perhaps your grandfather and grandmother live the whole year in your paternal uncle’s and aunt’s home. In this case you need to care about that your father/mother could spend sufficient time with their parents. Remember that you are here in the world because of your grandfather and grandmother. Perhaps your parents could not give time to their parents because of daily business. Try to release her little from daily household chores. Force your father to meet her mother regularly. Perhaps your parents keep themselves away from the taste of embracing their parents. Help them a little and you can feel your satisfaction at last. Do not forget that you will be father and mother one day, this is reality. Therefore give your parents opportunity to serve their duties.
There is a dialogue in vogue that ‘girl and boy can never be friends’. Those, who have a real boy or girl friend, can only prove this concept wrong. But it is true that some extra harassment could be occurred when a girl and a boy are friends. How will you maintain a nice friendly relationship with your boy/girl friend? Let’s have a look.
Nowadays we have friends from school level to university, we spend a long time, or you can say our entire life with the company of our friends. A good friend is the most valuable asset of life. When your friend has the opposite sex of you, then you should be more sensible. Friendships between opposite sex face problems in case of understanding; therefore a nice friendship requires nice understanding. Make you position clear with whom you are thinking of your good friend. Keep your level limited about expectations and threshold crossing. Never think unnecessarily about the relationship, you can share some sensitive issues or you can spend some nice moments, it does not mean that you are disrespectful to each other. Try to take these things easily. The main problem of friendship between opposite sex is the wrong presentation of other friends or people. The fruitful solve of this harassment is to deliver clear concept about your relationship to all, thus you can also save your other friends from needless nuisance.
Things are not like that boy and girl cannot be love birds from friends. People want to have his/her boy/girlfriend as a friend. In that case if you get a friend as your boy/girlfriend, nothing is wrong there. Anyone can show your special interest to other. If you are not interest, it does not mean that your friendship is going to be over. Though this kind of complexity creates persecution, but if you are good friends then a good sharing requires no alternative.
Every day we meet new peoples. Every day we meet our near and dear ones. We have our own adjectives for every people. My mother is very angry, my brother is very good, and my new colleague is mysterious. We know a lot about the person who is well known to us. But how much accurate is taking a sudden decision about an unknown person!
“Everybody things that I am very angry and self-conceit but the people whom I love only they can say how sociable I am.” – Happy
“I maintain with everyone equally and I never melt my nose in anyone’s private matter. I am a popular and delighted person for all. But people call me ‘confusing’ in my back. I enjoy it because I do not want to be easily accessible.” – Mahmud
Why are these multiple conflicts generated? According to Happy, she does not like to maintain with all the people, therefore she needs to take the shield of rude. Many people like Happy cannot carry with everybody. Some people observe first in a new place. Perhaps the silent girl turns into the most talkative among her friends. Again, some people love to keep him/herself excluded from others by maintain relation with everybody like Mahmud.
These are nothing but characteristics of individuals. Please try to make yourself clear to others and try to understand your friend as well. Perhaps s/he is waiting for your help or the perfect time when s/he will come towards you as a friend. You can save your priceless friends from being lost if you maintain in such a way. You can have problems in understandings with whom you are happily going on. Again, the person, who always helps you in difficulties, probably you have lots of problems with him/her. So try to be cautious that none can misunderstand you or someone can be misunderstood by you. At first, know the new person in detail. It is necessary to know him/her from close that actually s/he is angry or not. On the other hand, there is no reason to think the most delighted person is the dearest one. Do not judge human being from his/her outlook!
The tradition of visiting bride’s or bride groom’s home to observe them and finalize the wedding is still here in our country, in our society. Perhaps the way is changed a little with the flow of time. Now it has come to restaurant from the home of bride by arranging a huge program. Boy and girl are meeting separately to clarify their choice. But the viewpoint of the judgment of quality is still in the same old way. When a man is looking at for bride door to door, we are taking it easily. But when a girl is doing something like refusing the men who come to look her, then we and our society think that the girl has some problems. A man can marry late for his study, his responsibilities of family or he does not support the system of looking the bride, he could come to fulfill the mind of his family. But when a girl wishes to marry late for her study, responsibilities of family or disliking the proposing man then it would be a reviled offense.
Let’s come to the discussion of perfect husband and perfect wife. A perfect husband should be good looking, well-paid, comes of well reputed family, and honest. On the other hand, a perfect wife should be beautiful, skilled enough of household chores and good in character. She could be good in study or well skilled in outdoor jobs but she must contain a good character. It means, the number of girl friends comes at last in case of men where this matter is most important in case of women. The number of girl friends is stated for boys. And for girls, it is better to agree the first proposal for them.
There are some fixed cultural characteristics of everything in every society. But, how long we siege their qualifications to make them capable for marriage in the name of fixed border of women qualification? Whatever you are a man or woman, whatever your personal opinion just think, aren’t we underestimating their other creativities and talents by trimming their qualifications?